big decisions.

i'm still alive.

my name is still carly miller.

i still live in korea.

i'm a terrible blogger. :)

anyways, i truly am sorry for not keeping up this blog better. i just wanted to write a quick update on life over here. i have been here over eight months now! it has been a great eight months. i'm so glad i came, to this strange country so far from my home, wherever that is. :) those of you who know me know that i am a bit confused in respects to this matter.

i didn't know what i was getting myself into when i came. i knew i needed money and wanted to travel. so i ended up here. at times, it has been uncomfortable. it has been lonely. it has been discouraging. it has provided me with opportunities to make plenty of blunders and mishaps (buses to wrong locations, strange hair dye jobs, etc.). it has been filled with delightful people who i've come to care for deeply. it has been SO MUCH FUN. it has been such a gift, financially. it has been full of awesome, God moments. it has been full of learning. it has been full of strange smells. it has been full of yummy, korean spicy food. it has been full of kids! it has been full. i am thankful.

eight months in, and i'm still really excited to be here.

seeing cute little socks on my middle school boys.

hearing "teacher-i-love-you's" from my students (only in korea).

seeing firsthand that kindergarteners are not always the sweet little thangs i thought they would be.

feeling deep love and connection with people i just met a few months ago.

finding a church that feels more like home than a church has felt in years.

having short, broken, silly conversations with taxi drivers in my terrible Korean.

these are things I have come to love about this place and my experience here.

i am realizing that i am far from being the person i want to be, but that i am right where i need to be. doing life with God. as we walk together, i stumble. i wander. i go too fast and wear myself out. i forget He is there. i look at my feet instead of looking at the breathe-taking scenery around me. i look at him. we have beautiful talks. he shows me things. i have moments of realization.i cling to him. i feel the stillness and security of being with a close friend. and each moment, He stays next to me. never leaving. i am so confident He has been with me and continues to walk next to me, as i stumble along and find my way, here in korea.

and so, i’ve decided to stay another year. :) i prayed and thought and journaled and talked a lot with friends and people i love. i feel this is a good place for me now. it’s a bit scary to commit to another year. a year feels so long. but, i’m trusting in Him, and choosing not to worry. He has already proven himself faithful. and the scariest part is over…i’m already here. so start saving up so you can come see me!!

some of my favorite girls.

Some of my girls were trying to teach me the dance to Miss A's "Good Girl, Bad Girl"-- a really popular song in this part of the world. Instead, there's just a whole lot of squealing and screaming. I just love them. :)

a dream.

So, I know we've all heard MLK's "I have a dream," but I stumbled across it and listened to it again and I was so inspired. It is so life-giving. So here it is. Listen to it again!

"I Have a Dream"

I've never really thought of it as a prayer before. But this time I did. That is exactly what prayer is, crying out with passion, with zeal, with hope. His prayer may have been before the whole country, but a prayer nonetheless.

It's so beautiful and courageous.

So full of truth and Love. Love that disarms and sheds light on the darkness.

Love that empowers us to stand when our legs tremble.

Love that pursues righteousness, freedom, and life.

Love that seeks to expose injustice and oppression.

Love that quenches parched lips and weary souls.

Love that heals.

Love that compells us to hope against all odds.

And to think, that the source of this Love is my Father, my Lord who gave it all for me. It helps put things in perspective for me, as I find myself worrying/thinking a lot about the future. I have been thinking about prayer lately, and how all too often my prayers are ramblings said in a half-conscious state at the end of the day, when all I can think of is SLEEP. I don't want to pray these kinds of prayers. I want to cry out- always wanting more of Him. I don't want to play it cool when things aren't as they should be. So, I'm trying to pray at times in the day when I'm more alert, for starters. And the more I'm praying, the more I'm seeing that prayer really does change me. So, for me, watching this again was like listening to a beautiful prayer. It gives me hope and excitement, knowing that I am a part of the same movement that this amazing man was a part of...Jesus' movement here on earth to restore and redeem all things.

"No, No, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."

the list goes on...

some more things that only happen in korea. :)

1. everything has some sort of health benefit or health detriment, according to Koreans. everything.

2. girls wear high heels all the time here.

3. ajuma's (old ladies) can be quite aggressive! I've been pushed and pulled by them..especially if i'm kind of in the way. Also, when people run into you here, its not followed by an "excuse me". Its not really considered rude here...

4. masks. People wear masks a lot here. Especially ajumas ( i love this word..) Some look like the masks people were wearing during the swine flu scare...others have more face coverage, and look more intense. Its funny to see people wearing them everday...

5. my students all wear cutesy, super colorful socks with strange images on them (even my middle school boys). From obama socks to hello kitty ones...theres a lot to chose from!

6. "Have you eaten" or "did you eat lunch" are frequently asked questions. It seemed strange to me at first...like, the answer was pretty much a given. Yeah..I did eat today :) My director told me that this stems from Korea's very recent emergence from poverty/being a developing country. Back when it was poorer, asking whether somebody had eaten expressed a lot of concern for how they were doing. Also, older people ask this more than younger people...which makes sense. There seems to be a pretty big generation gap here between this generation and the ones before, because life has changed so ridiculously fast here.

7. you can buy fried chicken and coke in a nifty all-in-one cup. The chicken is in a little bucket thingy that inserts into the cup and the coke is underneath. :) We were excited when we discovered this nifty snack.

8. patients from the hospitals roam around freely outside the hospital. Complete with hospital gowns and i.v.'s, they hang out and walk around, sit, smoke, and people watch in the area surrounding the hospital. Near my house there's a hospital along the main road, and it is still strange to see them all chilling on the side of the street

9. they make octopus bread here. I have yet to try it. Don't think I will. I have heard from friends though, that there are actual chunks of octopus in the bread. Yummm ;)

10. People give gifts all the time...especially food gifts. I get random things all the time from my coworkers, bosses, fruit vendors, and parents of my students. I've gotten are apples, tea bags, soap, toothpaste, coffee, rice cakes, pizza, grapes, sweet potato, chesnuts...to name a few. So nice.

11. man-purses. They're everywhere here.

12. great coffee shops in abundance here. Even though instant, sugary coffee is pretty much all you find at the stores (you can buy regular coffee but its quite pricey and the selection is really small!), there are great coffee shops all over the place. Oh, it is bliss. Lots of mom and pop places too...

13. couple-wear. Couples dress matching. A lot. They even sell matching underwear sets. And you see lots of couples who are dressed almost completely alike...I couldn't do it. :)

14. korean women usually cover their mouths when they laugh...

15. almost 50% of korean women have had plastic surgery and almost 90% want to have something done (don't quote me on the stats...but this is what i read somewhere). sad!

16. badmitton is a really popular here. I see kids playing it at parks and on sidewalks...

17. there's outdoor workout equipment in most of the parks here...no need to go to the gym! I've people do some really strange exercises...usually the ajumas.

13. a lot of high school kids stay in school till 9 or 10 at night...crazy. I walk by them on my way home from work as they are just getting out of all their extra after-school classes.

14. lots of people are out and about late. Its fun. People are always eating in restaurants until late. Lots of night owls here, it seems!

16. "Dong shim." Literally translated, this means "poop needle." This is when you poke someone in the butt with your pointer fingers. and YES, my students have tried to do this to me. Its so bizarre and slightly terrifying knowing that they might do this at any minute...they think its hilarious.

17. they don't eat much meat here, at all. The meat they do eat is AMAZING. But, the average person eats it like once a week. Less meat, more veggies. Us Americans eat far too much meat...I think it'd be better for all parties involved if we ate it more sparingly. And they have so many veggies and side dishes in every meal. I enjoy all the veggies lots.

So, just some more things that puzzle, confuse, amuse, betwix and even sometimes annoy. But, its things like these that make living here quite an adventure.

These last couple weeks I've been missing home more. Being sick had something to do with it, i think. I had a pretty gnarly cold. It just sucks being sick when your alone, and don't have your family or friends near. The routine of my day to day life, especially during the week, has started to seem more dry lately. And a bit lonely...work, home, work, home. Weekends are great- lots of fun. I see lots of people, travel, go to church, etc. so I always feel refreshed after weekends. Initially I really liked the alone time that living alone gave me. And I still do to an extent..but, I'm realizing that I can only have so much time without people around. I miss my roomies. I miss being able to debrief at the end of each day, and talk about our days...what happened. What made us happy. What challenged us. What amused us. What made us sad. Cooking together. Bedtime prayers. And wrestling. And munching. And just doing life- regular, day to day life with people that you love. Nami, Kate, Chels- roomies, I think of you often :) So...too much time alone and I start feeling antsy and a little out of wack. Which is kinda how I've been feeling recently. It's not that I don't have friends (I do, I dooo!), just that its hard to see people during the week. This next weekend we have a church retreat coming up, so I'm excited to get away and just be with others to fellowship and worship God. Should be grand. Anyways, that's all for now, I think. much love. xoxo

chuseok. mountains. banana bread. a few things that have blessed and baffled me lately.

So it has been over a month since I last wrote. I fear that any faithful followers I may have had at one point, have probably abandoned whatever remaining allegiance to my blog they had left...due to inactivity. Sorry for being so inactive and absent lately. Needless to say, much has happened in the last month. So, I'll do my best to write about some of the most interesting and important things that have happened. :)

I arrived here July 4. So tomorrow is the three month anniversary of "Carly moves to Korea day" for me!! Its starting to hit me that time is just zooming past me...seems like the weeks have flown by. Almost too quickly. I've already done 1/4 of my year contract. This is both exciting and sad for me. Exciting because its feeling more and more like home and its nice not to be the new girl anymore. :) Sad because I quite like it here, and the thought of it finishing too quickly is unwanted. Also, its hard thinking about next year, because I have no idea what's next for me. No idea. Whenever life is great, I have this sense of wanting to hold onto it...to clench my fists and not let go. To slow down time and somehow control it. To try to draw out the good moments...to make them last. The quick passing of time reminds me of our immortality. And how each moment can only happen once. Each experience is temporary. And our spectrum of control in life is so small, despite our illusions that we have so much, if not, complete control. Time is just one of those things that brings me back to the wonderful reality that God is the source and sustainer of all that is. My Jesus is all, and I am nothing. I've been reminded of this so much lately, in different ways.

Whew. Sorry. I find myself ranting more than even I'm used to on this blog. :) But, it just bubbles out of me, and I have no idea if it makes sense written down, like it does in my head. I feel like this blog has been a good outlet for me, to share some of the ways that God has been good to me, since being here. He's answered prayers. Significant prayers. Ask me about it sometime and I'll give you more specifics! And He's given me so many opportunities that have been challenging and faith-growing, in unexpected ways. Recently, I found myself in one of these situations, when I sat by a canadian guy on the bus. Conversation turned from the usual things that are talked about when you meet another foreigner..." where do you teach? how long have you been here? etc." to faith and religion. He told me some of his thoughts about religion (some of them quite bizarre and disturbing). He also told me that he'd read the Bible three times. Umm, wow. I was floored. And wondered, "what would possess someone who doesn't believe that the Bible God's revelation to us to read it from over to cover?" I had been convicted pretty strongly, not too long before this conversation, about how reluctant I am to talk about my faith with others who have conflicting or different views. And how unprepared I often feel to express well why I hope in Jesus and the richness and color that knowing Him has added to my life. And, I felt pretty inadequate in this conversation...like all the words that came out were empty and unconvincing. I thought, Holy Spirit, "why don't you come through in those kinds of situations, when I really need you, and make Yourself sound good? I'm not doing a very good job of convincing" And afterwards, God showed me a few things. And totally answered my prayers. First of all, although disciplines, like reading the Bible completely, aren't necessary in our faith, they can help our witness. Also, he brought me back to the truth that walking with Him is all or nothing. Maybe I struggle because I don't practice talking about him. Maybe I struggle talking about Jesus because I'm clinging to my own desires and not clinging closely enough to him. Maybe I don't talk about Him because I'm not as close and intimate with Him as I would like to be. Maybe I struggle because I squelch the Spirits soft prods and nudges. Not that reading the Bible three times in any way brings one closer to God. Reading it will do you no good if the Holy Spirit isn't at work within you. But, I do have the Spirit in me. And I haven't read it. Not all of it. I thought a lot about that talk after the fact, and decided that this year I'm going to read the Bible. So, that is my current mission. I just finished week one of a "read-the-Bible-in-a-year" plan. And I'm pumped. Im already learning new things. I am really excited to be diving into the Bible. And mostly, excited to learn more about God. I love John 17:3. It says, "Now this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent." I'm excited to know Him more. We'll see how I feel once I start Leviticus. :)

Ok...moving on. So, mountains. Last week was Korean thanksgiving, which is called Chuseok. It is a really big holiday here. It consists of many of the same things as our thanksgiving holiday (minus football of course). They eat lots of food, travel long distances to be with family, etc. Chuseok originally began as a celebration of thanksgiving for the harvest. I'd say the most significant difference is that they practice ancestor worship on theres. It was strange to have so many students tell me that what they did for Chuseok was bow down to their ancestors. Its not a wierd or taboo thing here at all. I've heard that the older generations are much more into ancestor worship than the younger generations, but they still take part in it. Respect for elders and for family ties is so engrained in the culture and in the way that people think. I really respect this part of the culture. Its challenging to know how to respond to things like this. I think the best thing to do is pray. At least, thats a good place to start. Its interesting because it seems to be a much more spiritual culture (in that most people believe in a spiritual realm) than western cultures...but, it seems like a lot of people aren't really devout. Like Buddhism and ancestor worship tend to be more cultural than spiritual practices. Maybe. Just the way it seems to me. So it was interesting experiencing that. For the holiday, I went up to the northern part of Korea fairly close to the North Korean border. There's a national park up there that we heard was beautiful and there is a great hiking mountain on it. So, I went with a few friends for three days. We did a very long, steep hike that made our legs shake and our sweat glands come alive, but it was worth every bit! It was absolutely gorgeous. Reminded me a bit of Yosemite in CA, but was very unique and different from anything i've ever seen. There were some temples along the way (most mountains are covered with a plethora of buddhist temples)...and some shelters that you could stay in along the way. We tried to make it to the highest peak, which was only about 10 km...but we decided against it at the second highest peak, when we were just 1.5 km away. We knew we wouldn't be back by dark, and the hike was steep and slippery due to the misty, drizzly weather. It was steeper than we thought...a lot steeper! People thought we were crazy for trying to do it all in one day...apparently most people do the shelter thing when going all the way to the top. They also thought we were crazy, I'm sure, because we didn't have any of the right gear: hiking poles, hiking boots, visors, color coordinating jackets, pants and backpacks...etc. Koreans love their gear. But, we were glad we did it. :) Great to be with friends and get away. Great to see more of korea...which has so many beautiful places.

So, that was Chuseok. Lovely. Now for the banana bread. I have been missing baking and the eating of the baked goods, since being here. Since I am without an oven here, I decided to be creative and try the steaming method. I had heard from some other foreigners how to bake using a steamer on the stovetop, and so it wasn't really all that creative of me. I was just following in others' footsteps. I got a banana bread recipe from them, and it turned out scrumptious. It was even more moist than it is oven-style. It didn't taste quite right (due to differences in ingredients, like no vanilla, and funky butter i think)...but it still hit the spot. I ate most of it in less than two days. I also brought some to school, and shared the wonder of banana bread with my coworkers:) So, I am happy that I have now figured out how to steam things...and am excited to try more "baked" treats. Off to bed. Hope to write soon again. Much love.

Cheryl Lynn

1998..the same year she died.

Today (well, yesterday in korea--today in the states) is the 12 year anniversary since my mom died. Hard to believe its been so long. I have been thinking a lot about her...and about all that has happened since she left this world. This summer as I was getting ready to move to Korea, I did a whole lot of packing and sorting and getting rid of. It was a very emotional process. As I rummaged through boxes I rummaged through my memories. Memories from different phases of life. Looking at pictures, old dolls, notes, memorabilia, souvenirs brought me back to places i hadn't thought about in a long time. I stumbled across some things of my moms. Wedding pictures. Notes. Cards. Her diary. The funeral program. Letters that people wrote us after she died. I was reminded that I will always miss her. Even after years and years go by. I will always remember her. I remember her laugh...she was kind of known for her laugh. It was LOUD. And full of joy! And she always found ways to laugh at things that others might find annoying or menacing. During one of her chemo sessions when she was completely bald, my little brother Jon (who was 7 at the time) said, "mom, you look like an alien. i'm sorry you look like that." She just laughed. I am sure she is still laughing in heaven...filled with more joy than she ever had in this life. I can't wait to meet her again. Life is but a breathe.

thankful.

Alright, so first off, originally the the previous post and this post were one. But it got too long! So this is the second half! So, I need to apologize for the lack of updates. I have really been slacking...I think its a sign that things are starting to normalize. And feel less bizarre and foreign...and somehow less worth writing about. I know that’s not true...even the most ordinary things are worth writing about. Life, no matter how "ordinary" is a gift from our maker. I’ve been reminded recently that even the most ordinary experiences are meant to be spiritual, and therefore beautiful. Because so much of how we experience life has to do with our perspective…with how we approach each situation, each conversation, each moment. Each moment is an opportunity to know God deeper. To love him more fully. To learn. To grow. To love others. To bring healing. And ultimately to be Christ in a very dark and broken world. Gosh, how amazing. And also, what a calling. It reminds me of the verse in Ephesians (4:1) that says “I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” Wow. I’ve read that so many times, but lately I have been just amazed at how great and how difficult our calling is. As a person who knows Jesus and claims to be his follower, I am called to be his presence here in earth. To do what he would do. Say what he would say. I feel so inadequate. But thankfully, that’s ok. I’ve been reading Francis Chan’s book Forgotten God about the Holy Spirit, and he talks about how incredible it is that God gave us the gift of his Spirit. So that we could have God’s presence among us always, even after he left this earth. And his Spirit wants to empower us to do the impossible. To overcome our fear. To overcome our sin. To overcome whatever comes into our path. So, although I’m in Korea, I’m finding that the things that have brought me the MOST joy are not things that I could only experience in Korea. Rather, they are moments where I get glimpses of God and glimpses of the vision that God has for me. But, being here has challenges me and brought about a lot of growth. I think being here on my own has really given God space to work. I’ve been hungering for him more and spending more time in prayer than I have in a long time. I’m really grateful.

So now, for the Korea update. I've been here almost two months now. Does that sound as crazy to you as it does to me? Two months is barely enough time to fully get used to a completely new way of life. Or to understand a completely foreign and complex culture. Or to adjust to the absence of wonderful people in my life. Or to build deep, meaningful, pee-in-front-of-each- other, vulnerable kinds of friends. Kindreds. But, to build those kinds of roots takes time and hard work. And even with time, rich relationships like that don't just come along everyday. And I'm not expecting to feel that rooted here...probably even in a year. Although its not impossible.

But, I feel that now, I have some roots. They don't go super deep and they are pretty fragile...but they are there. I have begun to understand snippets of Korean culture. I have gotten to know people, and hear bits and pieces of their stories. I've laughed with my coworkers. I’ve gotten to know my students. I’ve seen some beautiful places. I’ve gotten used to some of the things that used to seem so strange (like live eels squirming around in little tubs of water at the outdoor markets). The guy who sells fruits and veggies near my apartment now recognizes me, and shouts a korean greeting to me when I walk by. I am no longer a complete stranger here. I have started to feel more "at home" here and am excited to continue to be rooted in this place. I am really loving my new home.